Desire. Why is it important? (aside from the obvious)
What we desire as women, and where we desire from defines the circumstances of our lives. How we feel about ourselves and our lives has a very strong connection with our desire. What we say yes to is a statement of what we are willing to accept, of what we want and desire for ourselves. It’s a statement to others of who we are and an indication of who we think we are. It is said that the female psyche is externally motivated. It means the need for external validation is a strong tendency in women. You can see this being used to woman’s detriment with eg. how marketing minds behind beauty products work this particular psychology in mainstream media. This blog is not at all coming from a place of men vs women. It’s an enquiry into something that defines our lives yet is rarely spoken of. Culturally we’ve been given permission to be desirable, but not to desire.
How external motivation can show up in intimacy, is that a woman is often lead through her life by male sexual desire. It is very common that from this place, women rarely get to experience their own sexual desire, aside from being at response to a man’s desire. Often her need for love in the form of attention, is what allows her to accept much less for herself than she actually wants. And that build-up of resentment or disconnection in women is damaging for everyone. It commonly causes women to engage in needy behaviour or excessive emotional processing, because of her displaced desire & unmet orgasmicness. For many women, sex dissipates her energy instead of fuelling her commitment to herself, to her happiness and to her soul path.
With the confused state of men and women through the generations for a very long time, it is safe to say that many women have father issues. It can distort self perception and leave them emotionally in a place of needing male attention; a place where it is easy to be unknowingly manipulated. Getting the love she didn’t receive in her early years becomes a primary driver, bypassing her own real and healthy desires. And it’s not that men would intentionally manipulate (although some do), it’s the state of sexuality and of what has become normalised in the sexual dynamic between men and women. It’s something that often goes unquestioned. Women allow it and so it continues.
It may seem like a privileged existential discussion just amongst those who can afford the luxury of contemplating it; but I believe this is underpinning the quality of life for all men and women. Because as long as female sexuality remains dormant or unexplored, beyond being sexually responsive to male desire, we are all missing out. This world would be a very different place if in partnerships, women felt sexually satiated and didn’t source their sense of self from the relationship.
Being interested in taking ownership of your own desires, is also extremely helpful for letting go of how you might be manipulating as a woman. It is very very common that women will go along with following a man’s desire at first, while secretly counting on the ability to change him. She doesn’t feel like she’s manipulating, she’s just doing what generations of women before her, have shown her how to do. I used to think of it as “meeting him where he’s at & then building from there.” Sounds quite innocent, though it’s wasn’t effective and it set me up for disappointment.
Allow me to paint the picture for you, from the perspective of the woman’s behaviour. It’s based on the same themes I’ve heard from both female and male clients over many years, from relationships of just a few years to marriages of decades long. Women are often alarmed when this is pointed out to them, yet it’s a very liberating dynamic to become aware of. Obviously men contribute to this dynamic in their own conditioned behaviours, but I’m choosing to focus on what women do because that’s something we can change.
At a certain point of emotional bonding when she feels safe, her real intentions for him become known. This is often the point when problems in a new relationship arise for the first time. If he isn’t into it because it’s not what he signed up for, it is actually her doing, for not showing up as who she really is in the first place. She concealed herself to attain the relationship. Yet she blames him for not caring about her, she joins her women friends in emasculating man-bashing communication, walls get built between them, honesty isn’t happening within so it can’t happen between each other & intimacy suffers. Not exactly a great place to begin a relationship, yet this is an extremely common scenario. If they decide to continue the relationship anyway, without full awareness of what just happened, they live their lives without sexual honesty. They both live with the message it’s NOT ok to be all of who they are and inevitably take one of two common roads: closure or finding sexual interest elsewhere. Sexual closure is commonly where women go as a way to deal with always experiencing sex in response to her partner’s desire. She feels hurt that he’s eventually looking at porn or having a double life, because he’s actually more attracted to a woman in touch with her sexuality and he craves guidance in sex, just by being with women who know themselves. Her denial of own needs & desires set up the disconnect and perpetuated the male-female feud and the madonna/whore split. But she didn’t even know she did it like that. All of this happens when a woman is not in touch with her desires.
And what if that common story could be re-written by getting to know your own body and the uniqueness of your own sexual desire? It’s certainly easier said than done when getting so many confusing messages about what empowered female sexuality looks like. Yet it’s a worthwhile exploration and one that can set you up for a lifetime of authentic relationships. It shifts our sense of self as women, so we become rooted into our true feminine identity, of being in relationship with life itself. I like to say that our primary relationship is with Shakti and to focus on nourishing that essential relationship first.
Not all women have the dilemma of living at response to male desire, but many do. It’s not all bad or wrong, because it shows a deep receptive capacity, which is a very feminine quality. Trouble is, we feminine women tend to give our attention firstly to the other. To be guided by our feelings and longing for connection is natural for us, though I believe being out of touch with our desire is a conditioned behaviour rather than our natural state. It’s a result of countless generations of women living in societies where the Feminine is not revered or truly respected. And we can change that. “The woman’s big experiment is how to have both under the same roof – the mother and the sexually free woman.“ What would happen if we all decided to live with sexual honesty and be in connection with our own body’s desires? Just notice who you show up as & how much more respect you feel for yourself; all from no longer concealing your fullness or shrinking yourself into a shape that you think he wants you to fit into, so you can get the love you want & think you need from him.
I believe we can both desire and be desirable, without leaving our deep feminine presence.
How might your life change if you allowed your Huntress of Pleasure to lead the way?
Maybe the shadow of our longing for love with all its manipulations would reveal our true feminine light.
What if we could stop complaining about men by firstly giving ourselves the attention & care we desire?
What is your true identity as a woman?
Note: if you are not heterosexual, replace man/woman with masculine/feminine, because in same sex relationships one of you will be operating more from the masculine and the other more from the feminine. I am intentionally highlighting male and female references in this blog, to bring light to the dominance of masculine desire and how that affects all of us. AND we have nothing against male desire, we totally celebrate men truly in touch with their sexual desire – bring it on, we love it!