Being Receptive + Having Boundaries

tumblr_n43483uXVC1sfky1xo1_500As a naturally feminine woman who really loves to surrender in the company of strong masculine energy, I know the bliss and the challenges of being so receptive, believe me I get it! It can feel so good to let go into a strong man’s direction. And once trusting him, it can be a challenge to distinguish if his energy’s direction is something I can continue to to trust moment to moment. The desire to merge especially after deep sexual connection, can confuse us of when boundaries are needed.

I mean, some intimate partners are so confident and directed in their masculine, in a way that can bypass my yes and go straight into taking me somewhere I didn’t even know I wanted. And I really wanted it. That place of eroticism can be on the edge for sure. And in other moments whether sexually or just in communication; what they think is sexy can actually be plain controlling, disrespectful or a big turn-off. We’re here to teach each other, firstly by knowing ourselves. Sometimes it’s pretty simple, though when deeper emotions are involved, that’s when things can feel complicated or unclear.

If a woman doesn’t know what is what in her own experience, she is leaving herself wide open to being at the mercy of those who don’t know how to treat her with care. And it is us who teach others how to treat us with care.

Eg. there are plenty of men with training wheels who regurgitate David Deida’s words, from good intentions. Often they think “it’s their job to open women up”, leading them to approach a woman in a stoic way as a project to test his manhood, with little sensitivity. Sometimes unaware of their hardened hearts, with elusive speak of freedom, they are not open to receiving feedback from a woman’s deep feminine heart. Sure sometimes women say things that are illusionary and emotional, yet women who are practised tend to be grounded with the ability to know the difference of their feelings and emotions. And men who are practised have an interest in receiving reflections from aware women they respect. Just like a woman needs to develop the clarity inside of her to communicate and express her boundaries, men need to develop a clear passage to their vulnerable hearts, without fearing it will sabotage their masculinity or desire for freedom.

So how do you know what is real and right for you? 

If you have ever experienced a violation of your boundaries as a woman, firstly you need to heal that ruptured boundary. Not until this happens will you know for sure what is your healthy instincts speaking to you or whether it’s fear in your mind, an avoidance pattern or a symptom of a sensitivity from a past bad experience. And this is where it stops being a story you tell yourself, or something to over-process; when you can trust your instinctual body’s messages. With the alarming statistics of intimate relationship violence throughout the world, it is ‘in the field’ of our collective energetic reality, that women really need to learn this distinction of being receptive and having boundaries.

Violation of boundaries can be subtle or overt. How is it we are vulnerable to it? Service to others through neglect of self, being born into a world where we are primed to believe it is our role to nurture others before nurturing ourselves, thinking we are being truly loving & over-doing the claiming of responsibility on a woman’s spiritual quest to be self responsible (which is really just being a martyr with the illusion of being conscious & loving). This is a deep wound in the female psyche and extremely common in spiritual women. It is also something that can be transformed and thankfully one in which many jewels can be found.

One of my biggest personal insights from experiencing male violence, was seeing the need to attune my deeply empathic nature towards myself and my own sensitivities. As loving as I am, I’m not actually a superwoman who has no needs. We need to apply the same or a greater level of care and attention towards ourselves, as we do towards the man. With too much focus on the other and wanting to show just how much love we are capable of giving; we rationalise away our instincts and leave ourselves available for abuse. Remaining aware of our needs and boundaries is paramount and an act of true self care, instead of always feeling into the man and ending up being receptive to our detriment. This abandonment of self can be overcome.

And in this awareness of our needs, I am speaking of somatic self awareness, not just a measuring of circumstance against what society says you should be experiencing in your relationship. I’m talking about a place where having high self respect does not mean having to belittle or squash a man, to assert your self regard. It is possible to keep your attention focused on what you need and staying in that vibration of loving presence, before choosing differently. (Specific actions are required if you are experiencing relationship violence however, in which case please read this blog.) A woman’s instinctual body provides all the information she needs – if she’s listening.

Even the most aware and spiritually enlightened of men need reflection from woman to keep growing in alignment with their own feminine heart. This means being responsible for yourself as a woman. It means consistently doing your personal embodiment work to stay in touch with your female instincts. It means growing up and taking ownership of your body. It means not staying in a romantic bubble that keeps you in a place of wanting to please or to be loved & desired at all costs. It means staying awake and committed to yourself, within your receptivity. And when you show up like this as a woman and not a girl, relating goes to a new level of authenticity. Here a shared freedom arises, where both people can relax into their own wholeness, with less illusions. That shared beauty of vulnerability can birth a much deeper intimacy on all levels. More love, more freedom, more truth. It all begins with embodied self respect.

Grounding into your womb, and anchoring into Mother Earth, in connection with your feminine heart, is what separates the women from the girls. This is something that can be learnt via womanly embodiment arts and deep feminine shamanic practices – which is also the magic of Tigress Yoga. 

What I’m explaining here is the most in depth reason of why I’ve created the PYP movement – Prioritise Your Pleasure. To prioritise our pleasure puts words to a woman’s need to become more aware of her own needs for safety, for boundaries & for instinctual awareness while in her receptive capacity. We must learn how to be unapologetic in knowing our needs and shameless in expressing our desires. And when we can actualise this on the level of our sexuality, it quite effortlessly overflows into all other areas of our lives.

How do you experience the challenge of being receptive and knowing your boundaries?


4 Responses to “Being Receptive + Having Boundaries”

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  1. Rimfire says:

    “I’m wondering if it’s time to stop saying so frequently conceptual statements such as ‘the feminine’.” Ah, *this* is where I too have been headed these past few weeks: with my own focus on the sui generis that underpins all *living* systems and Beings, I’ve come to view with a degree of skepticism the concept of ‘the feminine’ as some kind of identifying principle. Each individual is a *unique and complex interplay of many elements and *degrees* of those elements*; I’ve been wondering what purpose it serves to continue to describe elements of incredible nuance and complexity with an overarching label such as ‘feminine’ which, in itself, is such an incredibly *subjective* label. What is feminine? What is *not* feminine? How have these subjective distinctions been used to subdue, dismiss, persecute and profit from an individual over the millennia? How has ‘feminine’ been used to harm *males* with various traits and elements; how have we been cut off from the gorgeous gentleness of so many men because of the smear of ‘feminine’ on particular expressions of Beingness?

    I joyfully echo your observation; I too have been moving away from such labels as ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ and even ‘yin’ and ‘yang’ when these are being used as a way to try and ascribe certain qualities to expressions that are *not* gender based in their true expression. Yin and Yang as descriptors of particular qualities and traits have also been used to do harm to individuals and groups of individuals, based on the narrow confines of commerce and profit in its various manifestations. I’m not interested in continuing to support *any* linguistic foundation of oppression, no matter how ‘reasonable’ or ‘traditional’ it is presented as. 🙂

    • Dévashi Shakti says:

      Yes. And I like the question, “what is feminine exactly?”
      For me, I love symbolic language though I’m seeing it’s not useful when describing my personal experience. The transpersonal language encourages a disconnect. Mostly I’m interested in the somatic based communication when it comes to sharing about what’s going on for me. It’s like developing a new vocabulary, in learning how to articulate embodied feelings. I like it.

  2. Nadine Lee says:

    Wow this could not have come at a more perfect time !!
    Thank you for your insights & sharing.
    I often get very confused between softening into the feminine & being receptive & then feeling as though I am always “on guard” as it’s not always entirely safe to be in this space … Especially in the patriarchal world we live in.
    Looking at my inner masculine … The relationship with him I hold … Knowing he is there to protect me always in my softening and decipher when it’s appropriate to put down the sword & walk away from boundary pushers !!
    Oh it’s a challenge ! Thank you for your work & service xx

    • Dévashi Shakti says:

      Thanks for your reply Nadine. Your words just gave me further insight into how we set ourselves up for this confusion. And my sharing here is not at all aimed at you in particular, because this language I hear from almost everyone I know, including how I notice it coming out of my own mouth! I’m wondering if it’s time to stop saying so frequently conceptual statements such as ‘the feminine’. It’s impersonal and creates a separation from the felt sense of the instinctual reality in our bodies that the words are actually pointing to. Navigating through this world from such a conceptual position makes us vulnerable to our detriment and leaves a woman unskilled in knowing her way around her embodied instincts with all the tiny somatic cues our incredible bodies give to us. Same with ‘the inner masculine’ and a need to replace it with felt sense language that actually describes eg. the feeling of clarity inside. Yep that feels good for me, bye bye fixation on impersonal language when it comes to sharing from my own experience.

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