My Relationship With Control

autumn donna

A key learning that I have now fully embodied and don’t just carry around as a nice conceptual thought bouncing around in my head is, ‘it’s safe for me to let go of control’.

Tigress Yoga has been integral to getting me there! It actually brings me joy to embrace the mystery, uncertainty. To sit deep in the unknown and trust that all is well. It brings me great pleasure. It excites me. I’ve allowed my feminine essence to take the lead. More often then not!! I respect her wisdom. I’ll listen to her soft whisper to rest. To sit still and be with myself or dance. When was the last time you gave yourself permission to truly rest during menstruation??

 

It wasn’t always like this. Control made me feel safe. I was an obsessive planner, just ask my parents, sister or boyfriend!! I had a list for lists and don’t you dare steal my highlighter!! As a late teenager I planned every moment of every day. I counted calories. I counted how far I could run in a short amount of time. I had activities scheduled from the moment my eye lids flickered opened to the moment they closed for the evening. I controlled my emotions. Hello ice queen. All this made me feel safe because of how out of control I felt on the inside as an emerging changing woman.

 

It took me years to learn to let go. I partied excessively. That was one way I could let some steam off a massive pressure valve brewing inside. Sure it was a fun time but wasn’t always the healthiest option 4 nights a week. I am not even joking or exaggerating here!

 

It wasn’t until I sat in women’s circle with Tigress Yoga I started to feel safe. I felt deeply held by the women present. I could tangibly feel their compassion, non judgement and permission just by these strangers showing up to class for themselves. In hindsight I feel the anonymity I had at that particular point in my life the freedom I needed to navigate an identity shift. I felt deeply held and seen by the instructor. In the beginning I wanted all of this so bad it quenched a hunger inside I didn’t know I had and scared the shit out of me!! Sometimes it was so painful to receive the love in the circle or love I had for myself I’d cry for the whole class. Sometimes I felt totally numb and disconnected. I felt nothing. Sometimes I couldn’t be f’ed but for some reason I’d still show up. Hey I’d paid for the class after all!! Sometimes I wanted to run, runaway from my thawing out. It wasn’t all blissful. It wasn’t all orgasmic for me at the beginning!!

 

In the beginning I thought the tigress women were these mystical creatures that had something different. I couldn’t put my finger on what ‘it’ was. I knew I wanted some of it!! I couldn’t even have a conversation with the core women because I was so overwhelmed by how fucking present they were with me!! I’d physically squirm when they’d talk to me or I’d loose my words!! Ask Dévashi how much of a dork I was!! I was in awe of how ok they were feeling their emotions, the innocent intimacy between sisters, their immense presence and connection with their own compassion for themselves, how open they were, energetically in their bodies. I’d never seen anything like it until my first Tigress Yoga workshop. The work has taken me ever since. I had a full body yes I could not ignore! I knew in my heart of hearts and in my gut that this was my way to thaw myself out!!

 

Now I can experience fully body orgasm during the practice. Now I can weep with the joy and bliss that courses through my veins. Now I have found my voice and can ROAR!! Now I am ok in my ‘not okayness.’ Now I have my way to cultivate my connection with my higher wise self, to tune in and listen. It’s like I have a hard drive of truth I plug into through the practice. I continue to learn to be more and more receptive by receiving and welcoming all parts of myself during Tigress Yoga.

 

It’s from this place of deep devotion and service I share Tigress Yoga with you sister. My hope is to create a safe, welcoming, non-judgemental and loving space for you to find your own way home to yourself. Sharing classes with you is my way of saying thank you to the work, the women that led the way and holding a beacon of possibility for you to feel even more alive, sensual and vital in your body – what ever that looks like and feels like for you!!

 

Donna Bowen

3 Responses to “My Relationship With Control”

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  1. Lady Rachel says:

    Donna you are a beacon of light that shines brighter and brighter gorgeous one! <3

  2. Fai says:

    This was awesome! Thank you.

    You Rock!

    xx

  3. Dévashi Shakti says:

    Darling, I laughed out loud and cried and laughed again with this one, thank you 🙂
    It has been a true privilege to witness the woman in you emerge over these last few years.
    PS – my inner dork would hang out with yours anytime sister
    LOVE you xo

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